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In Life one should always be ready to go to verbal war with any random call on your phone. One of my favorite past times is screwing with the telephone scammers that occasionally call me. Hope you enjoy this quick read and perhaps learn from it.

Fun with TeleScammers

One day some Middle eastern person is going to call me with legitimate business that concerns me and I am going to be embarrassed by the way I abuse them from the start. Yesterday was not that day.
I answer the phone and as soon as I hear the accent from the caller I cough twice and start using my gravelly old man voice. I almost always use this voice when I answer a call from unknown numbers.
So this guy immediately starts telling me how The IRS wants to give me a one time payment of 9000 dollars.
"Holy Mackerel!! $9000!!!!"I interrupt excitedly.
We go on like this where he keeps trying to get through his spiel and I keep interrupting in excitement for more than 5 minutes. He is desperately trying to get through his thing as he believes he has got him a sucker.
Then he tells me how he has to verify my identity in order to arrange the payment.
Yoor nem is 'Sharon Nicole'?
"Yes sirreee!!!" I says. "Sharon Nicole! That's me. You can call me Sharon! Everybody just calls me Sharon." Now he is telling me that I can receive my money via western Union or have it directly deposited in my bank account. "Yep, You can call me Sharon."
He is starting to crumble as he gets more aggressive to get my banking info. But I have had enough and I try to tell him that I am not Sharon Nicole. I ask him if he is aware that Sharon is a name that normally belongs to a woman. All the while I am wondering what the criteria might be to get hired to make these calls. I am imagining that this is some ISIS scheme where they think they can outsmart americans (I am sure it does happen) and get them to fund terrorism against ourselves, and I want to giggle about this idiot thinking he can already taste my money.
He starts to wobble as I keep asking him if he knows it's a woman's name, and I start to ask him if I sound like a woman to him. Remember this is old man gravelly voice I am using which I suppose could be some old woman who smoked for 65 years.
This man will not be deterred (The Turd) So I come clean and I tell him that I am not a woman, and I am not Sharon Nicole so there really isn't any point in going further. Yet he persisted. So I tell him my name is Ed Beatty (Close enough - Squeeee). He still tries to get my banking. Does this sound ridiculous to you because when I was on the phone it seemed pretty damned ridiculous. I told him I could not accept that $9000 because that money belonged to a Sharon Nicole and I was not her that my name was Ed Beatty and unless he had a check sitting there for Ed Beatty I would not be able to accept a disbursement at this time. Then without any explanation he begins to tell me that it was not a problem and that I could in fact accept this money.
"Are you kiddin me!" I shout, "You mean to say I, Mr Ed Beatty (squeeee) can get  those $9000"
Yes, Yes, sehr eet ees nod uh problem.
Well I am in need of havin a piss so I decide it is time to become abusive. I ask him how stupid he would have to be to think he was smart enough to pull off a con, like this. He is still trying to tell me he can deposit right to my bank. My Language starts to get a little more colorful. Are you a bleeping moron? You must be a bleeping moron. You really suck at this job you bleeping dumbbleep.
He is still trying to recover the call. I cuss at him for another minute smiling the whole time and he gets all haughty. "Sir please do not yooz bad language with me or i weel hav to hang up from the call."
"You should, you should hang up. You ignorant bleeping moron!!! You should hang up right now, you dumbbleep piece of bleep." And that's when he hung up. It took all of that for him to finally concede that he had failed in his objective. Meanwhile, my son (who had heard me get going and came to listen to the show) he and I are busting a gut laughing about this idiot.
And some day I am really going to have to apologize for antagonizing someone from the middle east who is actually making a legitimate call because I start in right away as soon as I hear the accent. But yesterday was not that day.

At any rate, I urge you to make preperations of how your next call will go. Remember that you can say anything you want to these callers and they will try to keep the call going. Have Fun Kids.

Circa 2017


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Here is a link to one of these calls that I actually got on video.

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