Being A Grown Up
This whole being a grown up gig sucks ass. I mean there is all this stuff a body has to do as an adult that ya just never had to deal with as a youngster. I remember when my day consisted of eating P.B. and J.ís while trying to decide where I was going to hide away so I could masturbate. Ahhhh! But those were the good old dayz. (Sniffle sniffle, heavy sigh!) Long gone are the dayz of glory.
Owning my own home now I just have to figure out which room I am going to do it in. An easy task you say? Man I beg to differ. One has to consider all aspects of the proceedings before coming to a conclusion on this issue. It aint all just like, ďWell Looky here - I am in the pantry!Ē One has to think about how reclined they want to be for this.
Picking a room is essential before being able to address the issue of ones state of recline during the festivities. Will I be seated or standing, or lying down? That one really depends on my mood. But logically if you have no chair in the bedroom then you can stand or lie down. Well I guess you could Ďedge of the bedí it. Now the bathroom you can stand or sit, but I guess you could lie in the tub. The living room offers all three options but the kitchen only boasts of a standing event. Well maybe you could sit if you had a step stool or somethin, and I guess you could just lay out on the counter if you move the toaster. I guess picking a room is not all that important if youíre resourceful. So, never mind all that.
The room decision, though, calls to mind another major issue. Do I keep my socks on, or do I throw caution to the wind and go all the way. Well, that depends on whether the room is tiled or carpeted. Having chilled feet can throw off the whole ambience, besides that itís hard to concentrate when youíre swaying from one foot to the other. The decisions seem so simple but there are many minute complexities that come into play. (During a standing event one needs to be careful not to flex the toes or calves too aggressively. Nothing ruins a good rub off quite like toe or calve cramping.) One should always think of safety first. Itís no different than at any place of employment. It helps to think of this as a job. But not a chore! Never a chore! Think of it as a job you like.
Now, there will be a fantasy of course some tidbit or picture to keep in the mind during the act. But who shall star in the fantasy is always something one wants to get figured out as early as possible. I mean you have a multitude of people from which to pick. The chick from the convenience store, the girl at the stoplight yesterday who was picking her nose like her windows were tinted, but they werenít. Or maybe it will be someone famous? Perhaps Brittany Speares wearing a gag to discourage her from singing, Or mayhaps Kathy Ireland wearing a gag to discourage her from talking. There is always Mrs. President Bush wearing a leather bustier and me wearing a gag just for a little sport, ya know. Or mayhaps ya just want to think about the supple yet firm muscular tone of your own hand with itís daintily painted Lee press on nails. I mean you really have a multitude of options here, so you see how perplexing this can get.
Choosing a lubricant can be just as daunting a task as any. The standard primary answer should be, ďNo, not shaving cream!!!Ē Once you have given that answer you can move on to contemplate the many other choices available. Of course there are staples; petroleum jellies by many different manufacturers, various lotions, hand or body. (Jergens would of course be the first choice here. Not because it is necessarily better than other options but merely because it sounds like jerkins, and hey thatís funny.)
Mayhaps you want to be creative, maybe Crisco, olive oil, or some other brand of shortening. When going for a food related lubricant here is a quick rule to take to heart, yellow mustard good, Dijon mustard bad. Keep that in mind and you should be A-O.K. Hears another, Ketchup good, Heinz 57 bad. Ya get the point? Say no to spice, girls.
When using lubricants one needs to be weary of over application. I once slipped off and broke my own nose, bloodying both nostrils. If thatís not bad enough one other time I blackened my left eye. Well, It was actually the same time Ė about three strokes after I had gotten my nose to stop bleeding. Try to explain that one to the guys at the ER and they just laugh and laugh.
For other culinary options, I can personally attest to the smooth viscosity of many brand names of grape or strawberry jellies. The jams will of course do in a pinch but for the love of mother Mary, stay away from the preserves. There should be labeling on these to prevent common household injury. Thereís nothing like strawberry seed abrasions to break into the magic of the moment. That kinda thing can take you out of commission for weeks at a time.
Another Jam and jelly tip would be to collect those single serving packets at the local Cracker Barrel restaurants. An experienced man can get the job done with one packet. On my worst days I have never used more than 3.
I do not however advise having a pre-selection test run in the ĎGentsí at the local Cracker Barrel. Nor at the 7 Eleven Gas Station next door to the Cracker barrel Ė and most definitely not in the back of the squad car on the way down town, nor in the city county lock,,,. Well I think you get the point. Take them home, people. Sample them away from the prying eyes of, Raoul the omelet Chef, or Mahmoud the morning clerk, or Bill the over friendly (and strangely not as upset as he should have been) Police Officer. They are never as upset by this as one would think they would be Ė but thatís another story. Itís actually a few other stories but I wont go into those right now.
Ok. So, your squared away like a Clue game. Itís Tuesday so you are going sans socks in the foyer. Yeah, I know itís tiled, but you got the welcome rug. Your going for standing, but there is a chair close by to fall back into should there be any cramping. Ya gotta be thinking all the time, see? Always with the thinking! Anyway I am smart is all I am trying to say here.
My advice, open 3 packets of jelly before ya get started and keep Ďem handy should you need to reapply. You donít want to be fumbling around with the second or third jelly packet during the affair. It never serves to break stride in a race. Takes longer get back on pace and ya end up wasting jelly. Now I know what your thinking. Your thinking if your so damn concerned about wasting jelly what are you opening 3 packs for a job that should only take one to 2 on the average. Well, itís cause you always air on the side of precaution. What if the phone rings and you have to leave off for a second? Did ya think of that? And besides, remember back then when I said I was always thinking, well check this. Before ya get started ya throw some Hungry Jack bizqwits in the oven. You know, the kind that Tonya Harding beat Nancy Kerrigan in the knee with. You see Hungry Jack Bizqwits will take somewhere betwixt 7 to 10 minutes to turn a flakey golden brown. And you having that extra jelly handy, need I say more. I mean, who donít like a jelly bizqwit is all Iím saying.
Ok, now your full on pounding, dig me, pygmy? Right there in the foyer. Assuming you got a foyer. Otherwise, your just standing there behind your front door cranking away at your 4 and ĺ inch peter, and how erotic is that? Um, that is to say of course, assuming that you have the misfortune of having been endowed to such minuscule proportions. I assure you here, I am endowed to fuller dimensions. And youíll just have to take my word on that.
At this point I canít really instruct ya. I mean ya kinda gotta go for broke here, cuz youíre the only one that can get the job done. I mean I donít know if ya like to back hand it, forehand it, If youíre a pull/jam, or a push/pull. Ya might like to bring the other hand to bare. Ya could be a nipple pincher, ball tugger, or a stomach
rubber. If your like me than it's gotta be Whack-A-Mole city till the sun comes
up.. Maybe ya like to spank your own ass and call yourself a naughty little minx. Ya gotta work all this out for yourself.
Um, before I let you go, I am compelled to give you one more important piece of advise. Ya need to try and keep your head in the game and stay focused on what your doing. There is an agenda of course but more importantly; ya need to be aware of your surroundings. I mean you are standing, (or sitting if there was cramping) in your foyer behind your front door strangling the lil soldier. Working it like a champ with your bright red Lee press onís flashin up and down so fast it looks like a UFO. I can only hope you heed these words. In the event that, while your standing there, (Treating it like it stole from ya.) someone should knock on the front door, for god sakes donít be a dumb ass and answer the door. The last thing you want is to be standing there smeared in smuckers while some woman and her Girl Scout daughter scream, like a soft man in prison, on your front porch. I mean you wanna yell, ďCome back! I want 2 boxes of the minty thins!Ē Or whatever the hell there called, but they canít hear ya from the screamin. Man at the point itís best to just finish up, clean up, and have a jelly bizqwit, while you wait for the overly friendly Police who never seem as angry about stuff as ya figure they should be.